Life Is a Climb
by kaitlin1198
Summary: Cammie and Zach have almost there life as stable as a spy's life can be, what happens when that all gets shaken up. After all there always gonna be a uphill battle and somebody's gonna have to make it move.
1. Chapter 1

3 years after graduating Gallagher:

Cammie POV

There are few things that Gallagher Academy didn't prepare me for. This one had to be on the top of that list.

Most physical revelations you have a reaction to in less than 3.78 on average according to Liz

Most emotional revelations you have a reaction to in 9.43 seconds on average.

It had been an hour and I was still in complete shock.

After Gallagher I went to the University of Georgetown, and I decided I didn't want to get to know anyone at the school.

Zachary and I moved in together in an apartment about the same amount of time from the CIA, where he worked, and the University.

Last year I graduated with a associate in performing arts, and Zachary and I had been working for the CIA full time since.

10 months ago we had our first serious relationship fight. We had bickered with each other and even got into arguments before, but this was different. He stayed at a hotel for a week and we didn't talk at all.

After the fact we both made compromises, said apologies, and admitted it was our worst week ever as a couple.

Since then we have spent less time together and more time doing our own thing with friends. We both think it has helped us find ourselves and strengthened our relationship.

4 months ago, on August the 10th, we got officially engaged on our anniversary of, basically, four years. We hadn't told anyone at all that we were engaged and I only wore my ring at home. We were waiting until Christmas were the whole family was together to reveal it.

Now on December 11th I was beginning to think that we would have much more news to tell them.

But my mind is still focused on the biggest issue, Zachary doesn't want children.

That's what are huge fight initially started off with an argument about if we would have kids. Then I let it slip that once while he was out of town I had a pregnancy scare, and from there it went downhill.

The last two months for us have been nothing but blissful and I really don't want to ruin that. Definitely if I'm not even sure. It was just one test, and that couldn't tell me anything really.

The thought of going to buy a more expensive test crossed my mind briefly, but Zach had just called and said he would be home in about ten minutes.

Right about the time I got settled with some hot chocolate he came in.

Once he changed his clothes he sat by me with a beer, this was usually our Friday night ritual.

"No beer?" He eyed me suspiciously.

"Uh," I began with one of my worst lies in a while, and only lie to him in a really long time, " I have a had a headache all day and I once read that alcohol makes them worse," I babbled trying not to flush at my unmistakable lie.

"Oh okay," He squinted his eyes like he was waiting for me to reveal the truth but when I never spoke up he started talking about all the things we needed to host Christmas at our house this year.

The next morning we were bantering playfully just like always until it wasn't like always. In the midst of discussing songs and movies I got really nauseous, but covered well because Zach didn't notice.

That was until my stomach decided to lurch, "Hold that thought," I stopped Zach mid sentence, and realized there was no way I was making it to a bathroom, so I found the trashcan was only three feet away.

I didn't see his expression but I heard him say "hey" in total shock as he came reaching for my hair.

Once I finished I sat on the floor against the trashcan where he followed laying my head on his chest.

"I don't feel very good," I admitted almost sheepishly.

"Clearly," I felt him rolling his eyes,"I haven't ever seen you get sick before, Do you think you may need to see a doctor?" He felt my head like I might have a fever.

"That may be a good idea I'll make an appointment for Monday" I said while hugging him again.

I felt bad for lying to him about what I knew was going on, but I couldn't tell him yet; not until I was sure.

Monday rolled around soon enough, only puking three more times since then and Luckily hiding two of them from Zach.

There were babies all over the walls of my OBGYNs office although I had never really noticed it before.

Mothers walked in and out, about 80% of them with husbands.

And while I knew I was being somewhat paranoid I couldn't help but wonder if that might be me someday.

I knew Zach really well, but to some extent we were both used to getting what we wanted and having it go our way. The majority of the time, like 6/10 we agreed on thing. Maybe 3/10 we ended up compromising over something stupid like music or where to eat, but nothing that would be life altering. And this 1/10 we really had conflicting opinions.

Zachary is an amazing guy, but I know that if anything can scare him off it has to be this.

That still doesn't me I have to be sympathetic. Sure, half of this situation is my fault but the other half is his. He needs to get over it and accept it. So that we can do this together like we do everything else because the idea of baby is petrifying and not something I can do alone.

"Ms. Morgan," the nurse as the door announced.

I swallowed and approached the person that would give me the news to determine the rest of my life.

I sat the ultrasound pictures under a file on the bar with the pamphlet of 'options', put the prenatal vitamins in a box with my tampons, and stashed the dvd of the heartbeat in some junk draw at the bottom of the entertainment center.

For the next ten minutes I sat with my head in my hands developing a nervousness I rarely experienced.

 _I, Cameron Anne Morgan, was 7 weeks pregnant._

"Hey honey," Zach scared me standing at the door _._

"Ohhey," I said not being able to stop the shakiness that spread into my voice like wildfire.

"Sweetie," He sat on the couch taking my hands," What's wrong?"

I swallowed preparing a lie," nothing I just remembered how much I can't stand doctors. It was so horrible! Anyway I'm good they think it was just a stomach virus, but if you want we can watch your favorite movie, just give me a sec to get changed."

But I knew there was no way he was buying it, "okay of course."

"Honey, have you seen that file on the issue in Paris?" He called a minute or so later.

"No not recently," I called. At the time I didn't realize it but he had picked the folder on the bar up revealing the picture of our baby.

Through the movie something seemed wrong but I passed it off as worry about me, and I still wasn't myself either.

Later that night before bed i was making a glass of water when I noticed that the file had been moved openly displaying the pictures.

Zach was changing when I can to the room.

I sat on the edge of the bed and it finally dawned on me that he had found the pictures this afternoon.

"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you," My voice as tears rushed down my cheeks before I had time to stop them, "I'm really sorry, I was just.."

Zach finally poked his head out from our closet.

He bit his lip, a trait he had always had when he was suppressing a emotion and it had dissipated into something else.

"Oh honey," he came putting his arms around me, "I'm not mad."

"But you were at first. And that doesn't ever matter I'm suppose to tell you the truth all the time, and I didn't and its my fault," At this point I felt horrible about myself and came to the conclusion this had to be a infamous mood swing.

"If anything I'm the one that should be sorry. I'm not the easiest person to tell something like this too, and it's gonna take a lot of time and you might have to be patient with me, but I'll adjust," At this point his head of was on mine.

A small grin crossed my face as he uttered those last words, "So your not gonna leave me?"

His fingers were already intertwining with mine, "Never were in this together..."

"Forever," I finished feeling the biggest weight lift off my chest. We were good.


	2. Chapter 2

It's been a long while, and I'm not sure that anyone writes GG fanfics anymore, but inspiration hit last night. I do have plans for continuing so if you enjoy please let me know it a review.

This is going to take an unexpected turn to all my other stories, so prepare for the ride.

1 week later (December 18th):

I retched into the bowl for the third time in a row, dry heaving because my body had nothing left to expel. As soon as my wacky baby hormones realized that, I stopped and leant against the warm shoulder of Zach. I was grateful for his presence as he had just gotten back from Europe a couple of hours ago.

He, on the other hand, seemed a little reserved, and not just here in the bathroom either. Before, when we were eating, I brought the baby up multiple times and only got small, insignificant smirks.

Just four days ago he seemed pretty content with the whole idea. I don't expect him to be thrilled, as said before he doesn't want kids.

"Are you okay, honey? I'm sorry I..." I let out weakly, my voice raspy.

Then, whatever kind of facade Zach seemed to have vanished. His guarded eyes were replaced with my loving finances.

He reached for the hand that I had placed on his bicep, "I should be asking you that, so how are you and our baby?"

It made my heart melt the way he said 'our.' As he helped me up I answered his questions. But in the back of my head I was still worried about had been going on previously. I'm a spy, I pick up on these things.

Later that night I questioned it further, "what was going on with you earlier today? And don't say nothing."

He put his arm around my waist in the bed, "I just missed you and the baby," He said as he nuzzled his head in my chest. Some would see it as affection, nice gestures and all. I saw the truth, and that was that Zach was avoiding eye contact. The truth was that he was not telling it.

"And?" I put it simply.

"I don't know what you want from me."

I sighed, "I want you to tell me why the hell you went all cold on us this afternoon?" I referred to the baby and I as I scooted to my side of the bed.

"Cam, I still don't know what you are talking about I wasn't cold. I think you just over analyzing things."

I stayed silent staring at the door. Maybe I had faltered, maybe it really was nothing. But that was my gut speaking before, not my head. My instincts have never failed me. So I kept quiet, riding the storm out, I turned my lamp off and rolled over.

Less then two minutes later he was talking, "I got a job offer. Two actually."

I moved to face him and nodded.

He proceeded, " Switzerland, a minimum of 24 months starting after New Years. We would live on a base with agents from around the world and military personal. It would be a position we would both have places in. We would be fulfilling various missions; I'm pretty sure Bex got the same offer. Only thing is that it's a detailed place. If we got to come home at all it would be for only a day or two. And no children or babies are allowed there because of explosions. But only the most elite are even given the chance, it's once in a lifetime."

I let my mouth drop in shock, this was a bomb in itself. The biggest chance either of us would ever get. These places only open when big things are happening. Abby got one her third year out of school. But the person in me...

"And then," He began the other one," In Baltimore, at the new CIA task force. The building opens on January the 10th. I don't know all the details but it would be big, like a corporate job, so no more serious missions. I would still be considered covert though, I know. And I wouldn't be gone for days at a time, but the hours would be long."

Either way, he was saying it would mean big changes, if we accepted either. The corporate job meant no danger, it would be safe.

"If you want to talk about them," He started. Right now it was all too much, so I silenced him with my finger. And rested my head in the crook of his arm as our breathing evened out.

December 22- 4:50pm

I had gotten ten things done out of the thirty that was on the list for the Christmas party in two days.

"Yes Mom, I know. I'm getting those catered. Alright, love you to," The phone hung up as I set the last bag of groceries down before taking a minute for myself.

It's just that I couldn't relax anymore, not with this job offer stuff. Even sitting in my favorite lounge chair, I couldn't get comfortable.

My head kept spinning. Taking the offer across the world had to be unreasonable. It just had to be. I would have to leave my baby, my little he she. If it was so asinine why did I gravitate toward that idea?

I grunted as I stretched my legs. My arms hurt from carrying in groceries, my legs were stiff, and my stomach cramped from the exercise of today's errands. Since when did you become so much of a weakling? I thought to myself. Just three or four months ago this wouldn't have phased you at all.

... 9:30pm

I was putting on toner in the bathroom when I thought about it. I hadn't gotten sick today, or yesterday. So maybe the morning sickness had went as fast as it came.

As I thought about the baby the uncomfortableness returned. The kid must have been stretching out my uterus.

I continued with getting ready for bed.

2:08 am

I felt the sweat first, a cold sweat had woke me up in the middle of the night. And then the pain, the uncomfortableness had turned in sharp pains, like shards of glass. Much worse than a bullet.

It was hard to move, much less form words.

"Ah," I breathed in labored breaths, "Oww," I let out in a panicked scream shaking Zach awake.

"What, what's wrong?" He was up in seconds, with the light on.

"It... It," I grit my teeth, "It hurts, it hurts a lot. I shoved the blanket down to were I was clutching my stomach. My uterus to be exact, I swallowed hard, pushing my deep, dark thoughts away. No it couldn't be.

But still tears formed in my eyes, from pain and what I was almost sure was going on.

Zach knew it too, "let's go, we are going to go to the hospital."

Then I felt it, the blood. I had to pull it together. "Go," I told Zach, "get the keys, start the car, get your wallet, find the insurance card in the cabinet, and call the ER that we always use. Tell them to expect us," I ordered and out the door he went.

Keep it together, I balled my hands into fists. Breathe, just breathe. Standing was hard the pain almost made my knees buckle. I used the bed as leverage. This had to be worse than contractions.

I changed my clothes, into something clean and not pajamas.

My hand gripped the vanity until my knuckles were white as a ghost, the tears that had subsided came back more emotionally. No, don't think that like now Cammie.

What happened on the way to the ER:

Number of words said: 0

Number of times we started to say things simultaneously: 20

Number of times I was sure I broke Zach hand from squeezing it: 8

Number of times he said anything about it: 0

How many circles Zachs thumb rubbed in my hand: 38

Minutes that wished this wasn't happening: 29(all of them)

The tension of unsaid words could be felt from people in the hallway. The doctor had came and informed us of what we already knew, but still we never spoke.

I got in the bed I would be staying over night. Zach tucked me in, and sat right by me.

Turned my back, and tried to sleep. I was drifting in and out. Eventually I balled, nice, heaving sobs, even though my mind was still in denial. I felt his hand there on my back the whole time, but no words exchanged.

And sometime between 3:50 am and 4:10am I fell into a slumber.

A noise woke me. I wasn't sure of the time, loosing a baby can kind of mess up the internal clock. I peeked a eye open, and felt my eyes get moist again.

My stomach didn't hurt anymore, it was heart shattering this time. The kind of heart break where not only your stomach is in knots and queazy, but you feel like someone's pulling your heart valves out one at a time. It wasn't very often you saw Zachary Goode upset. He didn't cry, not even at his Moms funeral.

I placed a hand over his that was on the edge of the bed to catch his attention.

"Oh are you okay, do you need," I shook my head and he paused, voice quivering. I sat up with some discomfort and reached over to wipe the scattered tears from his cheeks.

Leaning over the bed I put his forehead against mine with one hand still over his, "I love you."

He shook his head a few centimeters against mine, his eyes squinting closed as fresh tears flowed on his flushed face.

"I'm sor," He went to speak.

"Don't," I said as authoritative as I could, "it's okay. It's okay not to be strong all the time. Let me keep it together right now." And for a time that once in my life I didn't keep up with to the exact minute our tears were shared, over our shared little baby we would never get to see.

The little one I had only ever felt, and he had only ever seen in pictures. Still we had both met him/her. It was a force strong enough to put this much despair in our hearts. Would it be strong enough to keep us together or tear us apart?


	3. Chapter 3

It would mean a lot if you would please leave your thoughts In a review.

December 23- 3:30 pm

Conversation seemed to have ceased between us again.

I was given a D&C and then discharged a few hours later.

We were in the car when he asked, "How can I help?"

I took a deep breath, "You can get these errands ran. It's things for the Christmas party."

"We are still doing that?" His brows furrowed.

"Yes, the show must go on," then I paused debating whether to say this next part.

Zach motioned for me to continue my thoughts, "I don't know if I want to tell... Anyone."

"Not even your mom or the girls?" He seemed skeptical.

"Not right now, not within the next few days, or week even. I need to process it."

He nodded, stopping at the red light. " I think we both do," He simply said.

Once home I sent Zach back out to finish picking up the catered items.

And for the first time since it had happened I was alone. No Zach and no baby. No baby. My knees went weak and my eyes watered at that.

At first I wasnt keen on this whole being pregnant idea, but the longer I was pregnant the more I wanted this.

But, I just decided to let it be. It was what it was and I couldn't have changed it no matter what. Or at least that's the garbage I fed my mind.

I put on pajamas and changed the sheets on the bed. I was suppose to be resting, doctors orders, but Tomorrow we had the Christmas party. That left me cleaning the living room.

I picked up the last ultrasound pictures from just four days ago. It's scary how fast your whole world can flip up side down.

Even more so in our line of work. From terrorist to hackers. If it's not the assassin that will get it is the double agent. How ironic is it that this time it wasn't work that put us at risk, it was life. Cruel life, cruel world.

I took the pictures to the trash, but didn't have it in me to throw them away. So I stashed them in my closet.

December 24th- 3:49 am

My body shot up from the bed faster than my brain could register why. The it came back. The nightmare, the nightmare that was real. My baby, my little girl.

I felt by me for Zach but he wasn't there. Had he left me too?

My feet shuffled into the living room and I was faced with a Zach that I hadn't ever seen before.

 _Six months ago, on Zach 21st birthday._

 _Even though the night is a little hazy I can recall some of it._

 _"Zachhhh, why don't you have sum?" I slurred out, at least five shots into the night._

 _"I'm not much of a drinker," He replied shrugging his shoulders._

 _Bex tried to pull me back to the dance floor, but she was even more drunk than me._

 _"Just try," I took my shot and poorly tried to get in his mouth._

 _"O.K." He took the glass from me as a few drops fell onto his shirt and our hands bumped._

 _"It sizzled. We are that connected," I giggled._

 _Zach downed the drink and smirked, "Your so out of it, static. It was a static shock from our clothes probably."_

 _"More, he neeeeds mure," Bex chanted handing him another._

 _He drank some, but it was really more forced. He liked beer after work, but that was about it. He really wasn't a hard liquor person._

That's what shocked me to the core. On the carpet by the couch was a bottle of Jack Daniels Whiskey half drank. I tried to remember if it had already been open in our cabinet.

But I only drink vodka... So he had to have bought it.

And then there was Zach. A loudly snoring mess. One arm was slung across his face and the other hanging limply off the couch.

I wanted to wake him. And ask him if it was the baby thing that had him so distraught, but it had to be.

He looked peaceful, so I put a blanket over him, picked up the bottle, and turned the light off.

8:00- am

Zach had volunteered to set the food out, but considering he was still asleep that would be difficult.

Bex was coming in from the airport any in less that an hour or two and the others would be here by ten.

I had just finish arranging the end of the bar when a raspy, rough voice coughed out, "What happened?"

I looked up from my place in the kitchen, " what am I doing, or what happened last night?"

"Both," He tried to voice but his voice was weak.

"I'm putting the food out for the party," I said and tossed him a bottle of water. Had it not landed in couch he wouldn't have caught it.

"You wanna explain this?" I raised my eyebrow, holding the bottle up.

He grunted, "That's why my head hurts."

"Zach?" 

"Oh yea," He waved his hand at me, "I was just drinking a little."

"Since when do you drink?" I asked calmly. Not compassionate nor accusing.

"Since I legally can," He tried to down play his rare action.

"Look, if this is about," I began.

"Don't," He held his hand up to stop me. He stood up, "Don't make everything about it.; about you," He walked toward the bathroom, "this isn't about you it's about me. Just leave it alone."

And then the waterworks came back. My stomach and heart that had been fine this morning seemed to sink below my feet.

His tone was rude and accusing, and hateful. Maybe I had been more self centered than I thought. I had done my best to include him. I tried to focus on his feelings. I knew I wasn't the only one that felt bad.

I stopped the tests, but no because I wanted to or felt like it. I just didn't want Zach to think I was trying to make everything about me, as he put it.

With this hurt came anger. I was the one that lost the baby. I was the one that had done everything I could to be with Zach while trying to let myself heal.

It was only 24 hours ago, and now everything is about me.

We tiptoed around the subject for about twenty minutes. Not saying to much besides good morning and commenting on the weather.

Then Zach pour himself a glass of Whiskey, and 9 am.

"Look can you please not drink, we," I went to say have people coming.

"I can't have a few drinks one night, and just one more the next day without being bombarded?" He spit out. "First it was when, then why, and now your telling me I can't."

He shook his head as if I was the one being incredulous. He threw the glass in the sink rather hard as it shattered upon impacted.

He went to stomp in the bedroom, "wait," I called not sure if he would actually stop. He did, "please put on something nice, we have guests coming."

As soon as he was out of site I broke down again. What had happened to my Zach. This was not the same person. Yes Zach could be indifferent, argumentative, and guarded. But this was different, this was not Zach.


	4. Chapter 4

Again... Please leave your thoughts. I know this chapter didn't get very far, but I feel it was needed.

Do u all want me to skip to Switzerland, or continue with the party?

December 24- 9:30 am

"Hey guys," I reached around Bexs neck as her Macey, and Liz surrounded me.

Not even five minutes later the rest of the crew showed up including Mom, Joe, Abby, Townsend, and even Bex's parents.

Playful banter passed around for awhile. Liz on how she was developing some kind of computer thing. Macey was on a new protective detail. Bex was doing something.

In my ears it was all kind of muffled as my head spun on what could possibly be up with Zach.

I slipped into our bedroom to check on him.

He was sitting on the floor of the bathroom, staring at the wall.

His face a blank canvas.

I shut the bathroom door behind me. "Can we please talk like civil people?" My voice cracked.

His eyes twisted and before he could snap I barked, "don't you dare throw some witty mark at me Zachary. You need to stop being an ass and tell me what the hell is wrong."

"Nothing's wrong, maybe I just don't like you anymore?" He shrugged.

My mind boiled, he loved me. I wanted to kick him so bad. He was right there in the floor, it would have been so easy. But I opted for the mature approach.

"I'm staying here until you tell me what's wrong?"

He smirked, "I was just about to leave, so that's okay you can stay."

He walked past me and I grabbed his arm to stop him, but it went toward the direction of my face. A few centimeters away from hitting me. He glared down at me, and his breath smelt like liquor. Then it hit me like a freight train.

It was the day after we had went to the bar. I was pressing Zach on why he didn't drink a lot.

 _"I just," He struggled seeming a bit embarrassed, "I used to use alcohol as a drug to escape my pain. When bad things happened I turned to alcohol and other drugs."_

 _"Why did you stop? You know drinking?" I let out, my head pounding from the hangover._

 _"I need to get better, so that I could stop my Mom for good. I started by myself, but realized I wasn't strong enough to do that. How ironic, the invincible Zach can't get sober," He paused shaking his head, "I joined AA and got 6 months sober before I started missions again."_

 _"When was?" I stared but he was already talking._

 _"I began missions again about two months before we met for the first time. It was a mission for my Mom. It went 'unplanned' for her, but it happened perfectly for my agenda."_

As my flashback happened Zach had shook me off and was headed for the door.

As he entered the living room people tried to greet him, but he completely ignored them.

He was about three feet from the door stepping over presents when I reached the threshold. "Zach, don't you dare leave this house," I raised my voice. Not even caring about the whole household staring at what was about to be a full blown argument.

He pursed his lips, ready for the fight, "I'll be responsive to your empty threats when you explain to our lovely crowd what happened yesterday," he said just as forceful as me

"That has nothing to do with what's going on now," I replied.

"You don't even know what the fuck is going on right now," He spit out.

"I bet you I have a good idea of what your going to buy," I set my hand on my hip.

He thought a few seconds on his next words," you have no idea who I am, or what I want to do with my life."

"Well I thought I knew you would have a better comment than that. Or are you still too drunk to think coherently? I thought our "thing" is what we would have been talking about the last few days. Not you arguing with me about your drinking habits. You are the one that informed me you were an alcoholic after all."

He let out something that was a half snarl, "You need to stay out of my life."

He walked out the door, more like slammed it, but I followed.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" He asked pleadingly once we were in the car.

"Because I can't do this Zach. If you wanna go waste your life then fine, screw you. But we are engaged so your business is my business." I grabbed his hand and held on tight when he tried to pull away.

"Well then just screw me, because I love Jack more than you."

"Look at me," I pulled his chin to meet my eyes, which he adverted, "look at me, Zach."

Eventually I got our eyes locked on one another, "you have got to let me in. I don't know what to do to help you, but you have to let me try to help you," I whispered lowly, trying to keep myself together.

When he didn't reply I leaned over the console and smashed my lips into his.

It wasn't like our normal romantic, movie kisses. It was messy and sloppy but all the while still felt like the first time we kissed. I got those same butterflies, and goosebumps.

As we had to come back up for air I never wanted it too end. We proceeded smacking lips, crashing teeth, and roaming over each other until I pulled back from Zach. I looked into those eyes that could tell me more than anyone else would ever be able to. I encouraged him to start talking through my own eyes.

"I, I found a drug dealer last night." He let out, sounding ashamed.

"Oh, Zach, " my eyes fell.

"I, uh, I did a little. Just a little, but I still did it," He shook his head that was resting on my shoulder, "I know your upset, and I'm so mad at myself for letting..."

"Hey, hey," I reached up and ran my hand over his cheek, "I'm not upset that you did a few drugs. I'm a little disappointed that you reached for drugs over me, but I'm not mad at you."

He let out a deep breath that he had seemed to be holding.

"I didn't really think it had effected me," He reached to my belly, "the...uh.. Miscarriage, but it did. It make me feel like something was wrong with me, and well us. I felt like something had been taken from us. I just didn't want you to have to deal with me and I wasn't sure you felt the same."

I peered at him and for a minute saw this scared little boy. He was biting his lip, and his voice was so unsteady. "I wished you could have just came to me. I still feel the same way. I think that our baby was pried away from us, unfairly. But it life and life must go on... Maybe this unfortunate event is suppose to tell us something," I voiced the thoughts I had been having.

"What?" He sounded confused.

I proceeded lacing my fingers through his, "the job... In Switzerland. I think we should go, it might help us move on a little. New scenery and all."

Zach nodded, "I think so too, but I wasn't sure if you felt up to it yet."

I sighed, "Then we should. And you can't be going off anymore and doing stupid stuff. No alcohol and no drugs anymore."

He nodded and dug a small bag of white powder out of his jacket pocket.

"Zach, if you get caught with this.." I started, stunned.

"I know,"He stopped me, "take it away from me. And get rid of it sometime."

I put it in the palm of my hand flexing my fingers around it since I didn't have a pocket.


	5. Chapter 5

I discarded the powder in a plant outside as we headed in from the cold.

All eyes were fixed on us and you could hear a pen drop, literally.

"We have news," I broke the silence since Zach looked like a deer in headlights.

I nodded encouraging him to speak while lacing out hands together, " I was offered a job in Switzerland, and we are going to go."

They all looked taken back at that, probably thinking we would be calling the engagement off now.

"But you just had a screaming match," Macey explained, perplexed.

"And that was us dealing with things in our own ways," I replied.

"Dealing with what?" Half the room wondered aloud.

"If your not comfortable, you don't have to tell us," Liz squeaked out.

"I did something I probably shouldn't have, and we had a medical issue," Zach spoke shortly but definite.

Bex who had been quiet now emerged, "Was it a pregnancy scare? I had one of those last year, turned out to be bad sushi."

Our eyes met piercing into one another. If we agree it could be our out.

But why lie about what was nature, inevitable.

I shook my head the slightest bit using my eyes to talk and he grinned a little in agreement.

"We actually were pregnant," Zach let out.

Liz looked sad, "you had an abortion?"

It dawned on Macey, "no, they didn't. I'm sorry, when?" as she looked around the room everyone seemed a bit confused, "they lost the baby, guys. As spies I thought you would know Cammie would never hurt a baby. She loves kids."

Actually Macey was the only one besides Zach that knew that. I blushed a little for no apparent reason at the give of information.

"When though?" Mom asked, her voiced laced with concern.

I smiled, but it was grim, "two days ago, the 23rd."

Her face sank a little, and the room got to an awkward in level of silence as the people around realized this was still news to Zach and I.

Bex quickly recovered our sinking ship, "I think I may go to Switzerland too. I was offered a place."

"Really? That's great!" Grace offered to her daughter.

"I'm so proud of you," Abe let out.

Zach and I had been standing near the door moved to the couch. Him in the last spot and me on the arm.

"I'm sorry, again," He whispered on an exhale to low for anyone to hear.

8:54 pm

The guys had migrated to the balcony. Abe, Grace, and Bex had went to check in at a hotel for the night since Bex was tired. Macey went to visit her new boyfriend. And Liz had left for her hometown to be there on Christmas.

That left me, Mom, and Abby.

Abby had gotten beer out and made Mom wine, "Do you want anything?" She called.

"Just water," I yelled back starting to fiddle with my socks.

When the house was full there was constant chatter, but now that everything had died down conversation seemed to cease.

"Are you really okay with what happened honey?" Mom sipped her glass.

I bobbed my head yes but tears still gathered at my eyes, "It's just," My voice sounded unusually thick and air came to my lungs much to slow, "I, I don't understand why," I managed around the lump in my throat.

Before I knew it Mom was on one side and Abby on the other giving me a group hug.

This hadn't happened since I was probably 7 or 8. I felt safe here, content. And sometimes knowing that there are these amazing people surrounding you that care so much only makes you cry harder.

"I'm gonna miss you so much Squirt," Abby informed.

"Don't remind me. I might cry, " Mom shot back. Moving her hand from my back to Abby's shoulder.

I hesitated trying to make sure my voice was strong enough to answer, "I know it's a long time, but I really do think it's the best choice. You have no idea how much I'll miss you."

I reached my arms around them and squeezed.

"I know honey," Mom said truthfully, "I'm really happy for you too."

Abby spoke up, "it's hard for me to imagine loosing something so close to you."

"It's hard to picture you pregnant too," Mom added in, "but I'm really sorry this happened."

I nodded enjoying the embrace just as I begin to speak Abby broke in, "I hope you and Zach can fix everything. Whatever happened today didn't look good."

I nodded and we stayed like that for probably about thirty minutes, or until I fell asleep. When I woke up they were saying goodbye.

"Are y'all gonna come back, before New Years?" I asked, we would be leaving on the first probably.

"Of course," Joe replied on their way out, "we are going to throw you a huge going away party."

I went and met with Zach who had stayed out on the balcony. He looked a little like a deer in headlights.

"What did Joe tell you?" I asked incredulously

"Uh," Zach blinked a few times, "He started with you should never disrespect my little girl like that. And went on to say that the should be no more procreating until we are at least 25. And ended with a death threat."

I laughed a little at the thought of Joe getting all defensive on me.

"Are we sure we want to do this?" Zach asked one more time.

"Yes," I said with finality in my voice.

"We better get packing," He held the door open for me as we entered.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: I can honestly say I think this is the longest chapter I've ever put in any story. I got very into this, and since I made you all wait so long, its really the least I can do. PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW, SO I KNOW THAT YOU ARE ACTIVELY READING

One Day After Arrival

Cammie POV

Zach and I were still adjusting to our new space. We now lived in an underground complex. It wasn't covert or secretive, but it was concealed. The look was much different than our old apartment.

The place in DC had 3 bedrooms, 2 baths. There was large open space that held the kitchen and living room. The before place had a modern feel with nice white cabinets, and shiny silver accessories.

This place had one bedroom, one bath. A kitchen that was closer to a kitchenette and a living room that felt cramped with only a couch and coffee table. Plus there were no windows. The feel was industrial, dark and gloomy.

"Cam," Zach called to me, "Theres no way all these clothes will hang up."

I groaned inwardly from the bathroom where I was sitting among boxes, "Okay, just hang up the ones you know I wear. And I'll go through the others later."

Later Zach came in and helped me up from the floor where I had just got done with the last box. He wrapped his arms about my waist from behind me. "I think we are going to like this."

I leaned my head backward against his shoulder, "I hope so, right now it's not off to the best start for me."

"Let's go be tourists," He smiled and pulled me through the doorway.

 **Three Weeks Later**

"We are not getting one," Zach said as in it was the end of the discussion.

"Why not?" I whined like a little kid, since he wanted to parent about this.

"Because we don't have enough room."

"Like it would cramp our garage? It would fit just fine. What about you and that stupid fish I have to feed everyday? It was your idea to get him." I said as my voice grew octaves louder and stronger with each sentence. I went from throwing my hand at the bowl to pointing my finger at him. I played boss better anyway.

"We don't need it, we have a gym membership."

I grit my teeth slightly, trying not to portray the true annoyance that he knew he was tapping into, "so what? I'm suppose to drive twenty minutes to go to our gym every time I feel like running a mile?"

"Well yes actually? Look we have no need for a treadmill, we are not just putting a treadmill here. If you want one go stash it in Bexs place, she's never there anyway. But I'm not buying a treadmill just because my fiancé wants once."

"Your fiancé?" I said in the most accusing and sassy tone my voice would go, "As of new year, I am your wife," I walked closer him not letting our size or height be an issue, then stared him up and down before jabbing my him in his chest, "AND you better start treating me like one."

He shook his head like it still wasn't happening before going to apologize, but I was already out of the door.

 **3 am**

The wind blew my hair in every 360 degree angle possible as I somewhat dangerously flew through the streets of Switzerland. Headed to our 24/7 gym since Zach was such as ass.

 _2:20 am_

" _Cam, come on," he tugged at my shoulder in the bed, "honey."_

 _I rapidly roller over and bore my eyes into his, enough that he could feel it in the dark. Anger still on the horizon._

 _I stayed silent, "I'm sorry okay."_

 _I stayed quiet, "it's just still new."_

" _It's been three weeks," I deadpanned._

" _And out of the thousands that we have had in our lives, is that really very many?"_

 _His arguments were valid, "since when did you become such a drama queen anyway?"_

 _I scoffed, "I'm not being dramatic about anyone you're being rude and I don't like it."_

" _And if I thought that I was really stepping a boundary than I would apologize. But it's a stupid treadmill."_

 _I breathed in looking for clarity and found none, "I know," I managed, "your right."_

 _Then I felt his nod, "Glad we are on the same page."_

 _Then his lips met mine in a slobbery, rushed kissed. His tongue not waiting for mine as it worked its way in. His hands roamed in seconds, and it became quick. Like he needed to this second. But I didn't reciprocate, it felt like I was being pushed, not like I was actively engage. Like I was watching from the distance._

 _That's when I pulled back. And redid the first buttons on my flannel._

" _Why?" Zach pouted._

 _But I didn't answer, I didn't have an answer. I got up and put my shoes on._

 **Twelve weeks Later**

Every Time I talked with Zach about anything other than work for over an hour he became standoffish. In bed everything was clumsy and awkward. He put his arm around my waist and kissed me on the cheek. And the lips if he let go a little, which wasn't often.

It had been right at two months since our incident. And things were finally returning to normal, to an extent. We had our first "intimate" moment in bed last night. It wasn't special, and wasn't full out either, but it was better than what had been going on.

The gym had become my escape. With how many times I went when we weren't working, I bet Zach wishes he would have bought the treadmill now. Maybe using a full tank of gas in just a few days was my intent to start with? No, it wasn't.

At the gym I tried my best to keep my mind blank. But man was it hard.

Every Time I ventured to the gym my subconscious drew up this blueprint to a nursery and conjured images of what angel baby looked like.

The baby was a girl. The nursery was sunflowers. The dark cherry wood matched the middle of the sunflower. The yellow walls matched the flowers. The flowers that Zach painted on the 'accent' wall.

The baby was perfect. Zach's cute nose and eyes. My full lips and ringlet hair, like my Dads had been.

With each pounding foot step the images got more vivid, more elaborate. And with each image I felt more distance between Zach and I.

It's like, maybe I wanted to share these feels with him, but I just couldn't. I mean before when it was still new, it had been easier. But Zach seemed genuinely happy again, and he had some new great friends.

The issue really felt like more of a me problem, something to deal with alone. But I felt so alone all the time, like no one saw me or looked at me anymore. And when they did they couldn't see all of this pain on the inside.

Bex had a treadmill and optical placed in her room, and after I quit the gym, the visions that haunted me slowly faded away. They didn't go away completely, and there were still dreams. And no matter what I did the dull ache that felt like my heart was caving in from the inside wouldn't leave.

 **20 Weeks Later**

I laughed until all the air from my lungs was gone.

Zach grinned like a madman, "you think that was funny?"

I giggled and nodded, he spun around me to the stash and next thing I know there are strings confining me, wet and sticky strings.

"It's your turn," He proceeded to say.

I sweep behind the couch, going to get some more, "Your on," I grabbed to and aimed at the shoulders.

….

"We made a mess," Zach blew out from where we sat on the kitchen floor.

I know I rested my head on his shoulder thankful for this.

The last four or five month had been rocky, but maybe just maybe we were progressing.

"Thank you," I said seriously, "for combating me with silly string."

"Oh any day," He replied pecking my nose as I settled my head in the crook of his neck.

We did have an awful big mess. "Anyway could we get the maintenance crew to clean this?"

He chuckled shaking his head, by then stopped, "I'm gonna check."

 **24 Weeks Later**

Guns had never scared me. At some point earlier nearer the Circle days I may have been terrified to shoot them, but they never made me freeze.

With each mission Zach and I went on the stakes increased. The danger got worse. Shortly we would be starting full undercover for months.

We had went to get a hostage mother that was trying to get some Intel, and a third party group caught her.

What we didn't know is that they had her son. Following the leads to get to the warehouse was easy. The warehouse was a small size, not many places to hid.

Zach the head and I the second in command.

We flanked the building before bursting into it, once Zach had given an all clear from the roof peering in.

What I saw wasn't a spy mother that knew plans, but a little boy no older than six crying.

With an electric pool below him, bound up my straps, and a sniper rifle at his chest.

It was my turn to kill but I couldn't. I knew in my head that this little, innocent boy could die. But my brain froze. I forgot how to breath. My knees collapsed and I felt like the walls were closing in.

And my heart thumped so loud it could be heard from across the room. My lungs fought to breath, but every breath still got more shallow, and my whole body numb.

The gun clattered to the ground the same time the piercing noise of a bullet shot through the air, hitting the guy before he could shoot the kid. Except in my head the noise was faint and muffled, like background.

My butt collided with the ground and my vision zoomed in and out of focus. I saw Zach reach for the little boy who screamed at his touch.

Words wouldn't form and I felt like I might die. As Zach turn my eyes got a little better and each brick seemed to leap off my chest very slowly.

He seemed angry, honestly. He grabbed my arm and pulled me up as my feet stumbled along. My head was still reeling and my breathing jagged when we got to the car, after loading the boy in another to be sent home.

"What the hell was that?" He asked in disbelief.

I wanted to say I didn't know but I still couldn't get the words to form.

Because I did know. It had happened before at the gym, at the park when I saw babies and mothers playing, when my period was even just a day late. But never like this, this was much worse.

"I don't, I uh, I don't know," I muttered out still trying to fully regain my breathing.

"You're lying," He said pointedly.

I put my knee up against the seat, rested my arm on it and then put my head in my hand. Shielding my face from his eyes.

I came clean, "I think it might be a panic attack, anxiety maybe. I haven't really ever had anything that major before. Just lost my breath and had to lean against something. But, but it's never inferred with work."

"When did it start?" He asked incredulously.

I didn't really know what to say to that. "Well, um, you know…"

"No, clearly, I don't."

"When we lost the baby," I let out quietly before clearing my throat, "the first night I went to the gym, really."

"I could've helped."

"You haven't been in a helping mood lately," which was true. I leaned my head back against the seat.

"Yes I have, nothing about me has been different. I'm just me."

"No," I said exasperated, "Zach is compassionate, and since Gym Day you have been the exact opposite.

"I have not," he scoffed back.

"I'm going to argue with you. Your shielded and guarded and you won't talk to me about anything feely. So I'm not talking to you about it."

He crossed his arms over his chest determinedly. Then he huffed and put the car in drive.

We didn't say anything else the whole way back, until we agreed on Italian for dinner.

At the the dinner we carefully selected insignificant topics about people, cars, and the decor in the place.

 **30 Weeks Later**

"I don't care, okay" I yelled at Zach who was in the doorway.

"You don't care that you screwed up our mission?" He thrashed back, slamming the door shut.

"I didn't screw up any mission," I said for the thousandth time, my voice climbing with intensity.

"You didn't follow me either," He accused.

I was in the bathroom, removing the contacts. Zach and I were no longer Mr. and Mrs. Sanchez. We blew our cover, big time. I paused and scooted over as he entered, "I didn't have any reason to follow! The plan that we had drafted up was still in play. There were no red flags!"

"Well, I came up with something better," I bit back.

"We don't just come up with something better," I scolded trying to get out of the ball gown without asking Zach to help unzip me. He reached over and yanked it down anyway, "If there's no immediate danger we consult each other first, that's how its always worked. For three years that's been the system. What's any different now?"

He hesitated, pink creeped up his neck a little, "It's just, it's different."

I wanted to strangle him, for maybe the third time since we have meet I really wanted to beat him, "It's different?" I had to constrain myself from flat out yelling at the top of my lungs. I threw the hairbrush down, hard, "It's different because I had a slip up once? And now you're better than me? It's not different Zachary, and if you wanted it to be you should have informed me."

I stomped into the living room, still reeling. He followed, "Not like that, but…"

Whipping my head around, "Yes, just like that," I snatch the papers I wanted, "What happened to these," I waved them in my hand, "it says 'for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, in good and hard times' you came up with those lines!"

I continued and he just blankly stared, a little stunned I pulled our vows out, "And what about this document 'You and your partner 'Cameron Ann Morgan' are officially granted relationship rights, with the clause that affairs be taken care of outside of a job duties (Act 230).'"

This was about to be big, probably drama queen big. But I couldn't take it anymore, I was miserable. " And if you can't trust me as a wife and partner in our job, then maybe we need to apply for separate housing. Matter of fact, I'll do it tomorrow."

He shrugged, "I, uh, it, okay," He finally managed a multi-syllable word, "But I… I don't want."

"What, you don't want me to leave?"

"Maybe we just need to break on one end, house wise, or job wise," He tried to make it sound good.

"Zach," He was dragging things out.

"I don't want you to be gone completely," He reached out his hand to my shoulder and I stepped back. His face fell a little.

As the adrenaline wore off, it finally hit me what I had said. For three years, 1,095 days, Zach had been my only constant. I gently picked his hand up, swaying it between us, "That won't work and you know it. We are no longer a team or couple, and I don't think have been for a while. I'm gone, I'm not going anyway, " I squeezed his hand, "and you better not either. But this break has to be true. In a few weeks or a couple months, we can see how we feel."

He let out a large sigh, "I can go, I have less stuff. And I have plenty of people I can stay with."

He went to walk out, "Wait," I called tugged on the hand, "Don't do anything stupid." My eyes blinked faster trying to clear the tears. His hand reached around my neck his lips slowly meeting mine.

As he left I realized that was the best kiss we had had since moving here.

"Happy birthday, angel baby," I whispered to the empty room. I would have been exactly 40 weeks today.


	7. Chapter 7

**35 Weeks Later** :

"Here," Bex handed me a shot of tequila, that was originally suppose to be beer, until I started bawling my eyes out.

"It has only been a month," I weeped out, "and I can hardly function." The feeling returned, the frazzled panicked one that makes it hard to see, breath, move. Like every cell in my body had become an icicle.

She just eyed me as if she was facing an alien, "I see. What caused this whole teary thing?"

"You asked if I wanted a beer," I sank further into the couch.

Her eyebrows shot up.

"Zach asked me if I wanted a beer right before I found out if I was pregnant," I let out. Finally stopping the tears, my muscles able to work again as my breathing evened out.

"Cam, I'm worried. Not about you and Zach, just about you."

"What?" I asked.

"I kind of found something cleaning up your apartment the other day."

She brought out the well used notebook, "These are all of the drawings, and there are names. I'm just not sure that healthy I mean it's been almost a year."

"Nursery 1 is my favorite. The sunflowers. But I like the turtles too, and the finding nemo one is great. Oh and see that ad, for the stars. Wouldn't that be cool," I let out. Not realizing exactly how much I said until it was already done.

"Cam, honey," She put her arm around me,"I know you like to think about the baby. But drawing it's room, cutting out baby supply ads. I mean, how long has it been?"

"I know," I said solemnly, "but it's like I can't help myself. She would have been 5 weeks and 3 days old."

"Why can't you?"

"Because if I don't," I heard my voice get thick, "if I don't have something to get happy and excited about, I think about loosing her. And then I get sad, and I just can't," I bit my lip as tears streamed down my cheeks, again.

She tightened her grip on me as I continued, "I can't handle any more sadness. I don't want to be sad, I've been sad for 8 months. And this," I pointed at the book, "It makes me happy."

"I know sweetie, but it's not healthy. It's obsessive. You need ways to move on, and this isn't helping. There's a really great psychologist in here, on floor 5. I made you an appointment."

I would have argued. Old Cammie would have thrown a fit, but new Cammie didn't have the motivation to. New Cammie knew that this was a good thing.

40 Weeks Later

I marked the calendar, Lily, would have been 10 weeks old today. Lily is the name the psychologist, Mrs, Summers, and I came up with for her.

There actually exercises, good ones. The baby had a name. You could write about her and give her a personality. And you got to talk about her in sessions.

But each week the writing was less and less, I found. As much as she existed in my mind I was coming to realize there wasn't that much actual things to say.

I also picked up a new hobby, since I didn't work undercover anymore because I put myself on a PTSD list. Which is one of the things Dr. Summer's had diagnosed me with. Along with situational depression.

I now painted, and I think I was pretty good at it. Right now I was still doing simple things, watercolor barns and fields mainly country settings.

I also cycled, yes like riding a bicycle. All through the town everywhere I went was on it.

And I felt these weights lift off of my chest.

Slowly, one every week. I think I finally understood that loosing the baby wasn't something to be ashamed about or guilty for.

45 Weeks Later

I heard through the grapevine that Zach was doing well on his undercover ops.

We hadn't even uttered a word to each other since that night. And every night I go to sleep missing him.

I started back actual work after my little hiatus, but just small things.

"Happy Birthday!" Evan burst through the door. Evan was my neighbor, and I think he had a crush on me.

"Hey, wow, it is my birthday isn't it?"

He had a large object in his hand, upon further inspection it appeared to be a cake. I took it and the gift from him and set them on the counter.

"This was fun," He smiled just as bright as his teeth were; blindingly white.

"Uh, no," I bantered back as I had been all day, "this icing on my nose is not cool."

I used my finger to get the purple off the tip of my nose and flicked it onto him.

He put a small bit on his finger like he was going to smear it on me. Then he slowly brought his finger toward my lips.

I hesitated, but opened my mouth just enough to get the icing.

Then he close his eyes and leaned in, like I should be doing the same.

And his lips grazed mine at the same time I somewhat roughly shoved his shoulders backward.

I glared into his eyes not sure of what to say.

"I, I," he momentarily looked hurt, "I really like you."

"And," I got stuck, "your cool, but I'm not. I'm not ready for this."

"Oh," He let out lamely.

"I mean, I'm cool with being friends. But I'm not even sure my last relationship is over, and," I trailed off.

"It's okay, really I get it. Maybe we can go to lunch one day. Hope you had a good day," And he was out the door in a flash.

I leaned back against the counter and sighed. My only friend other than Bex and I had already messed it up.

Still, even though that wasn't close to a kiss. His lips touched mine. His lips were only the third to ever touch mine. And a part of it still felt wrong, like I should be guilty.

My phone chimed. I expected it too be Bex, since she hadn't told me happy birthday yet.

Instead it was from Zach. It read: I know we still aren't talking, but happy birthday. Hope you like your present.

Uhh?

I checked the mail that had been thrown on the counter. Sure enough a small envelope was enclosed. It was a gift card to my favorite dining place on this side of town.

50 Weeks Later

"Bex?" I knocked on her door. She had been busy the past couple of days.

She ushered me in and shushed me at the same time.

"I know," She nodded throwing her hands up, in the middle of the living room. A cross between wanting to strangle the person on the phone and despair, "I know, but we need those people in there in the next two weeks. They have to be," she nodded, "okay, okay, you have two weeks. That's it."

She threw the Bluetooth on the couch across the room. "I know why I hate legalities."

I just smiled, "Its been awhile."

"I know," She ducked her head a little, "Happy belated birthday, sorry I didn't come see you."

"It's okay, really, I know you were at work."

"Actually, I was right here talking on the phone. I've been on the phone for weeks. Milly, a secretary, went on maternity leave back at MI6 and I've been doing her job on top of my own."

"Well, um, you know Evan right?"

She nodded, now intrigued.

"We spent my birthday together," I started with.

Her eyes widened, "Did you sleep together?"

I looked at her bewildered, "I freaked out the second he leaned toward me."

"Cam, you have never had a one night stand?"

"No," I let out sharply.

"Really?"

"We know you have, a lot."

"You should come hang out with me more often then. I'll hook you up."

I kind of looked at her sheepishly, "I don't know if I want to hook up with anyone."

"Uh?"

"I just..."

"Oh Cam," she placed her hand on my knee, "I know you still want to be with Zach. But it's not like it is cheating on him."

"Has he? I know that you know, is he with someone?"

"No, and I don't think he has." She paused, "He just kind of drowns himself in work."

Then her phone rang again, back to work she went.

52 Weeks Later

One year ago Zach and I were moving to Switzerland, one year ago we thought he might fix our relationship.

Now, racing through the streets of Europe, I was about to see Zach for the first time in 12 weeks.

Zach had been shot, the words that the guy said over my phone rang in my ear. I bit back involuntary tears, I told him I wasn't going anywhere, and he promised not to do anything stupid. That includes not getting shot.

The hallway was cold, or maybe I was cold. I was shivering. The doctor said that he would give me an update, that was twenty minutes ago.

Bex walked through the door, immediately hugging me. We were the only two people here. His friends were still in undercover missions.

Everything the doctor said was muffled, so far the whole trip was too much for me to comprehend. I couldn't loose Zach, not ever.

Bex walked me to the ICU, only one of us could go in. I pushed her toward the door.

This was too much, it was too hard. I turned my back, leaning against the door. Sobs threatened to come out, he could die. He could. I fumbled with my purse and pulled out my ring.

"Why did you let me kick you out," I tried to say, but it sounded like hiccups.

I slipped the ring on my finger twisting it around and around.

"Cam," Bex let out quietly, and questionably, "you okay?"

I nodded even as my shoulders heaved, her arms circling my shoulders from the side. "Hey, hey, hey," She tried to be soothing.

"I, I can't loose him," I hiccuped.

She snatched my chin to meet her gaze, "you won't."

As much as I wanted to believe her, I knew that there were no fairytales in this world. I just put my head on her shoulder.


	8. Chapter 8

**It's been ages, but I've been so busy with school I just haven't had time. But I didn't forget. I won't ever forget about FF. So here's a LONG one.**

"Yes, yes, thank you so much Susan," I spewed out over the phone.

I saw Zach's eyes flutter open for the second time and quickly said my goodbyes.

Sometimes having good connections come in handy.

"Are you okay? Do you want to sit up this time?" The last three times he had been awake we didn't talk and it was only for a few minutes.

But it had been close to 24 hours since then, and the doctors said they hoped he would start being up longer.

He nodded, and it dawned on me that his throat was probably really dry.

I helped him get up, and then told him I would be right back.

I came to in a few seconds later with ice chips and the nurse trailing behind.

His eyes were wide and he looked shocked to see me. We hadn't even spoken to each other in months. I guess in many ways this was a giant change.

Yet at the same time, with him by my side, I felt more at home than I had in all those months.

"Your really here?" Zach stated, but it came out as more of a question.

I put on my best stern face, "What happened to not doing anything stupid, and not getting hurt?"

He went to speak and shut his mouth again. Then he indifferently let out, "If your just here to make sure I'm okay, I am fine and you can go now."

At that point my eyes widened, not only was a shocked and rather angry, but I was also swallowing back tears. "If I was going to leave I would have already. I've been here 48 hours, and Bex left at the 5 hour mark and hasn't been back since."

Zach sighed, "well then what are you doing here? You made it fairly clear you wanted to take a break. Then you never called or talked to me. You never thanked me for your present..."

"That doesn't mean that I don't love you. I just had my own stuff to deal with, too," I replied trying not to sound ugly.

"Well maybe I've moved on."

My heart stopped beating, I couldn't breathe, and time seemed to stop. Eventually I regained my composure, "if you had moved on someone besides just me would have checked on you."

He just smirked, that stupid smirk. I had been dealing with him for less than an hour and he was already driving me insane again.

"Let's just talk when your better, healed. For now what we say doesn't have to be important."

In the next month that's what we did. We laughed, a whole lot. We made funny faces. We were like little kids again. He moved back in with me since, unlike the myth, spies aren't superheroes. They need time to heal and recuperate.

The Switzerland mission was suppose to last at least 2 years, but my contact Susan was great enough to get replacements for Zach and I. Without much asking from Zach I booked our flights myself, and set up everything we would need on that side of the world.

And then I packed. Zach was some help, but all in all he still couldn't pick anything because of his injury.

Two Weeks Later:

It had been two weeks since getting back in the states. 13.5 months since moving to Switzerland, and about 15 months since finding out I was pregnant.

At one point I kept up with the numbers exactly, but now some how that felt very unimportant, and for the time being so did work.

Zach was still on leave, and I took a leave without pay until Zach decided to come back.

He would be officially cleared in about a week or two.

I saw him smile from the box he was unpacking. We had been slowly unpacking, there were still boxes everywhere. And there was new furniture piled up in boxes.

Currently we didn't have a bed, only a mattress. Sleeping arrangements were still a little awkward. Usually Zach and I alternated the couch and mattress. Every now and then we sleep together in more of a 'friend' way. But I thought that at least peacefully co-existing was a giant leap in the right direction.

"What is that?" I asked curiously.

He looked down at the picture, the smile vanishing, "Oh nothing important..."

"Zach," I whined on the arm of the couch, I could reach out and grab it.

He silently handed it too me. I gasped, "Oh," was all I could form, the ultrasound picture.

I looked up and saw the pain in Zachs eyes, the pity... for me.

And then he rambled, tugging the picture out of my hand, "See like I said, it's nothing. Really? It's not important."

My brows furrowed, "Yes it is. Maybe nows the time we should talk."

Zach sighed, seeming really over this for a moment, "All talking is going to do is bring up the past. And we both moved on from that over year ago, so let's just not."

"You did, but I didn't," I shot out immediately regretting it.

Zachs annoyed look was replaced with a questioning frown, "Continue," he uttered, his attention never wavering from me.

I could do this, I could, it was Zach after all. I had never told anyone this, not even Bex. I gulped the air, "when we moved to Switzerland you got over it but I didn't. I, I could still feel it like it was yesterday. So I spent a lot of time trying to forget at the gym. The gym was usually great for clearing my head.

"In reality the gym was like a boiler room for my emotions. I couldn't clear my head because everything just kept coming back to the surface, and I couldn't focus on the treadmills or weights, and around that time it got to where I couldn't focus on anything," I trailed off, trying to hold back the tears, but giving up.

"And, uh," I grabbed a tissue from behind me, "most days were like a haze, but I just kept telling myself if I didn't think about it would get better. And then at the gym, I tried to work out and I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe, and then couldn't catch my breath because I couldn't focus. Then, we separated and I became even more immersed with this baby I never got to meet. And this entire time before she was the only thing my mind could land on or think about. So I made a scrapbook of the nursery, and cut ads, and went really crazy with it. "

I rested my head against the back of the couch, swinging my legs from the floor to the couch, "Then Bex found out and sent me to therapy. And honestly I dreaded it, but it helped. I feel like I can face the world again, but I won't ever forget." I picked up the picture and waved it, "So this is really important to me, and it was for a long time. Do you know what the day we got in huge fight was?"

Zach looked upset, at himself, and completely dumbfounded by everything I just said.

He swallowed, "No but in guessing it was significant."

I shook my head up and down, not restricting the tears that were freely flowing, "It would have been," I sniffled, "her birthday. I would have been forty weeks. It the only thing I could think about the whole day."

And at that point Zachs eyes shattered all over again. He would've already had me in his embrace if we were still 'together'. Instead he simple rested his hand on my knee, but couldn't find words.

"You could have told me," He finally whispered.

"But, you would have just looked at me crazily, or asked me to move on with you. No Zach, this is one thing I really don't think you could have helped with."

He didn't reply. So I continued with the last thing I knew, "I am sorry though, if I had told you, maybe we would be better off now. It just felt like there were millions of miles between us."

I swiped the fresh tears out of my face. As Zachs hand met mine. He took over wiping them away. "Come here," was all it took for me to eliminate all the space between us.

I pulled back eventually, not really wanting to. I hadn't noticed until now that his eyes were red and glassy, he had been crying. "Are you okay?" I let out quietly, realizing he didn't know I was looking.

"Im good" he replied quickly, too quickly.

"Zach?"

"Ive, I've wanted to hold you like that for months. And, I'm sorry."

I stayed quiet, mentally probing him to continue.

"I was different, in Switzerland. When you told me you were pregnant I was scared but warmed up to the idea quickly. Then you, uh, lost the baby, and I was sad for a week or so. But then I was relieved because I didn't want a baby. Then we got settled in the new country, and I thought it would help everything. But it didn't, instead I started thinking more and more about having a baby, and how much I wanted one. And I was angry that we weren't having one, and I didn't have any one to be angry at, so i took my hostility out on you. I though that you were fine, you looked content, happy even. And I'm really sorry, Gallagher Girl."

I rubbed his bicep drown to his hand, wrapping my pinky around his, "it's okay, I'm not mad. It's the past, and we can't change it. And hopefully in the future we can learn from it."

He put his lips on my forehead, "I love you, Cam. And I hope you never doubted that, and I'll always love you."

The pieces of life were finally coming back together, and it felt very blissful.


	9. Sorry

I'm sorry. For everything. I'm sorry for loosing this story in the madness of life and for not updating. When I found FF three plus years ago I promised myself I would never be that person to leave their fics incomplete because it annoyed me to no end. But life gets busy or people move on.

Honestly I feel like this story was pretty settled and wrapped up, so I contemplated ending it there. But there is always more Zammie to the story. So here goes nothing.

"I'm sorry," Floated into the dark air, as she repositioned again.

"It's okay," He scooted back a bit.

This would be their first night actually sleeping together and it had taken a lot to get to this point.

Cammie was sprawled on her stomach. Her hands under her head because she didn't know exactly where to put them. Was this so awkward with everyone after bad breakups and fights?

"I like it here," She muttered.

"This position?" Zach asked, using his hand to find her, his fingers dancing across her back.

"No, not really. I feel like I'm being suffocated by the pillow," She rolled over again. This time on her back but slightly angled toward Zach.

Her arm brushed his and she remembered those sparks from their first nights together.

"I like it here, with you," She clarified.

"Ummhmm," He hummed, she assumed he was nodding to, "it feels safe."

"Very," She agreed.

His arm still around her pulling her closer and she wiggled toward him. Her side touched his abdomen. Her head bumped his shoulder.

"I'm good with this too," She laughed a little. They met each other easily finding lips in the dark. "And very good with this," She signified, as lips crashed again.

He traced kissing down her collarbone, scooting over the fabric of his t shirt. On the way back he stopped at her neck delicacy being replacing with passion. She too, joined as a spark ignited.

After a little work their bodies fit together again and legs tangled. She put both arms up his shirt, needing to feel skin and discarded the shirt by the bed.

With each kiss, the urgency grew. Zach inched closer and closer to her breasts. And Cammie needed all of him, now. The rush was exhilarating, she hadn't felt this in over a year.

"Zach," She moaned, scooting her hips even closer, "if you can't take my shirt off, I will."

He managed a laugh, getting rough, teasing more. But then a seriousness settled in the midst of it, "Your sure?"

"Zach," She complained her mouth moving again his neck now, "this isn't the first time we have done this."

He inched back and she came with him, "It's the first time since then, I just want to be certain. Your good?"

She nodded breathlessly, "I'll be even better if you'll help me take my clothes off."

He helped, and soon all their garments were gone.

...

"We have to talk to the family," Cammie added to the to do list Zach was making, "They don't even know we're back."

Zach grumbled, communication wasn't his strong suit.

"And about last night," She started, swallowing blueberry waffles.

"Wanna recreate that?" He smirked.

She half grinned in response, "I meant the procreating part. Add doctor to the list because I'm not on birth control now."

His eyes squinted, that wasn't Zach's strong suit either, "I thought you had that arm thing."

Cammies face fell a little and He knew immediately he said something wrong. Should've kept your mouth shut Goode. She replied, "That was before... Since I was," She trailed off clearing her throat.

Zach filled in the gaps "that was before she was pregnant, since she was pregnant they had to take it out."

They couldn't seem to get away from this baby. Zach didn't see a clear solution, but they needed to be able to clearly talk about. So when he opened his mouth next, he was even surprised by his own suggestion, "would you be open to couples therapy?"

"What?" Her eyebrows shot up.

"Well we keep skirting around 'it'. We need to be able to face things head on if we are going to come out stronger. I know I'm not good at talking, but I'll try for you Gallagher Girl."

Cammie loudly dropped her plate into the sink, "what more is there to say? You moved on, I didn't. I got help. We are better. What am I not saying here?" She crossly remarked.

Taking a breath she continued, "Or am I not being 'straight enough.' My baby," She emphasized, her resolve wavering, "died. Died inside of me. And I'm just suppose to be able to say it like that every time it comes up?" She squeaked out at the end. Tears prickling her eyes, she held them back.

Zach opened his mouth but with the flick of a hand she quieted him, "I'm going to get dressed."

...

"I clean, I mopped, I called the doctor and the bank, and, I'm sorry," Zach leaned on the doorway of the bathroom half an hour later.

He gave Cammie his best puppy dog eyes but she was only focused on the mascara wand.

He saw her shoulders slump slightly and she finally returned the wand to its container.

Turning to face him, she sighed. "I'm sorry. I know I dealt with this in therapy and I should be able to talk about it, but it's different with other people. I just don't know if I'm ready to start talking to a professional again, I feel like I'm all talked out. But if your adamant about this I'll try."

He shrugged walking the few feet to her, resting his arms around her small body and she hung her head on his chest. "It's okay if we don't. But we need to be able to say it, and to admit that loosing the baby really hurt us when we start talking to the fam about it."

She felt him shudder a bit, and it really hit her that he actually wanted this too, "I know I don't communicate very well sometimes, and you don't either. We don't talk about our feelings much, I think that's what we need to work on. And she long as we lean against each other when we need the support, I think we'll survive."

"Together?" Zachs eyebrow rose.

She twisted around so that her back was to him still intertwined in his arms, she rested her hands on his, "forever."

...

If anyone is still interested, next up would be telling the family.


	10. Chapter 10

PLEASE REVIEW

"It's gonna be okay Cam," Zach took one hand off of the steering wheel to place over hers.

"You don't know that," Cammie sighed, "We have been back in DC for a month and haven't even told them. We literally dropped out of one of the biggest promotions of our careers and haven't even told your Dad, our handler."

Zach chucked, "Not too mention that Dad, Abby, Rachel, and Joe are expecting who? Macey or Bex?"

"Liz. They think that she going to be briefing them on a new technological innovation. Think they'll be shook to see us?"

"Don't even try to use teen slang were too old for that," He smirked, making Cammie laugh. He loved that laugh, it was genuine.

... 

The house looked like it always did. Giant. Light tan brick. Dark brown encasing the dormer windows. After all it was three stories, 5 bedrooms, 4 baths.

Not counting what should have been a movie room. Instead replaced by sound and bulletproof doors, holding state of the art spying equipment. Safer than some CIA meeting rooms.

They walked up the fifteen stairs to the front door. It's red sheen reflecting from the sun giving them a pink hue.

Neither missed the new security cameras in the entrance or the box that was talking to them.

"Liz?" Joe's voice sounded on the intercom. Abby's laugh coming from the background followed by Edwards grumble.

"Yes sir," Cammie replied in her best southern accent. She sucked in a breath and Zach rubbed her back.

"Come on in," the door unlocked.

"Whew," She blew out. That was harder than facing dangerous criminals on balconies.

"Hey, Li-," Her mom stopped in her tracks at the kitchen.

She had been walking toward them.

Joe was sitting on a new bar stool at the island. The black countertop had been replaced with a softer beige granite.

Abby's jaw dropped from where she was dangling her legs, sitting on the counter top in the corner, her back against light cabinets. Edward, beside her, his hands braced against the counter.

"How?" Joe asked dropping the knife he had been using to cut a tomato.

Rachel proceeded to rush forward pulling Cammie into a hug. "I was dreading not having you here for Christmas this year."

Abby hopped off coming to briefly hug Zach before moving to Cammie.

...

Twenty minutes later with hot tea, they re-accounted the events of the past.

Zach and Cammie alternated talking about what had transpired. They put an emphasis on emotions from both of them, but kept things fairly simple.

They lost a baby. They moved to Switzerland. They lost communication. They broke up. Cammie was in a bad place. Zach got shot. Things are better now.

"And so,"Cammie trailed off.

Zach picked it up, "here we are."

Cammie initiated contact this time picking up his hand that was on the table.

"Together," they said simultaneously.

"I don't even know what to say," Edward said first.

"Wait one more thing," Cammie flung the rings right in front of Zach. They had neglected to announce they were now married.

Zach smirked, "Gallagher Girl, would you like to be my wife, again?"

She withdrew her hand, putting her finger on her chin, "Mmm, maybe. If you'll buy me candy." She held out her hand.

He laughed but placed the rings back on her finger.

"Now I don't even know what to say, when did this happen?" Rachel said.

"Before they broke up, so before April," Abby tried to answer.

"Not the last new year, but the one before that."

"We celebrated that together," Joe said factually.

"We did it about three hours after we got to Switzerland," Cammie offered, "but I haven't worn it since the hospital."

Abby's brows squinted, "Where's yours?" She asked to Zach.

"Do the honors?" He asked, handing it over to Cammie from his jacket.

...

"I want to travel," Zach said in bed later that night.

They were staying at their moms house. It was tight in Cammies' twin bed, but still better than that collapsible train bed over five years ago.

"We are 21 and already thinking about retirement?" She questioned.

"No... maybe." He replied, laying his head on her shoulder.

"I'd be in for part time or summers off. I want to paint more, worry about dying less," Cammie admitted.

"And I want a baby," She continued, "I'm still petrified, but I want one. Not now, maybe after we have been to a bar in every country. But I want kid while I'm still young and can keep up with them."

Zach nodded, "We could practice now," He joked.

"Is that all guys think about?"

"I was kidding, but I meant that I want one too."

"I wanna go skydiving, I've never been. And to New Zealand. I want to see the Taj Mahal," As a spy you do a lot of travel but real sightseeing is rare.

"We should take a break, from the agency."

"At least until they need us again."

...

8 months later:

After a mission in the south of France, a train had took them to Vienna. They would be spending a month there.

"This is beautiful," Cammie stood at the window looking out at the city before them. It was their last night.

"My shirt looks good on you to," He commented from the bed.

"Speaking of that, I have some news."

Zach got up slipping some pants on and followed his wife into the bathroom.

"What is this?" He asked already opening the small long rectangular box.

Cammie was frozen, hopefully this was the right way to do this.

"Your serious?" He gulped.

She panted a little, nodding, "I'm 15 weeks today, I'm past the scary part," She smiled brightly.

He caressed her face, lips colliding.

...

I didn't get any reviews on the last chapter, which is usually when I would stop updating, but I really have a passion for this story.


	11. Chapter 11

Technically the last chapter was my epilogue. Since this is my only active story though, and I never want it to end here goes nothing.

PLEASE REVIEW

If you listened close enough Zachs finger stroking her hand could be heard. She could hear it, and that rhythm was slowly lulling Cammie to sleep.

His hand was perpendicular to hers. Four fingers covering the back of her hand, palms touching.

"Your hands are dry and rough, you should moisturize," Cammie gurgled, fighting sleep.

Zach audibly grounded. Breaking his hand to rest it on her soft, fuzzy pajama top.

The small bump not going unnoticed by him. Although, he wasn't pointing it out either. He had gotten in trouble earlier.

 _"My jeans don't button," She pouted loudly, throwing them onto the bed with the other four pairs. She made sure her complaint reached Zach in the next room._

 _"What's the issue?" He questioned walking in and snaking his arms around her hips. "Ahh," He rubbed her abdomen, "the baby's growing. I was reading she's now the size of- umph."_

 _Cammie threw his arms back twisting one a little harder than necessary. "It's the size of an Apple, I know. That doesn't mean I like it," She spat, walking back in the closet._

 _"I thought this hormonal stuff was behind us?" Zach called out to his wife._

 _"Morning sickness and that's not completely gone either," She huffed from her walk in closet._

 _He dropped it, going to find some M &Ms as a "sorry" present. The candy still hadn't been touched when they retired to bed, Zach noticed._

Now he wasn't sure how to approach the topic, but things needed to be talked out. He wasn't to shabby at this talking thing. Cammie was the quiet one.

"Babe, you okay?" With his hand still on her he felt her body tense for a moment.

"I'm good," She lied effortlessly.

"Gallagher Girl," He warned, feigning hurt, but implying a seriousness.

Silence.

"Do you regret this?" Zach murmured no louder than a whisper.

Cammies eyes widened in the dark even though he couldn't see them. She was happy they made it past the scary point. She knew that meant a bump. And she was excited they could finally visualize the baby.

She was terrified that something would happen. She didn't want to be treated like China, but her heart lurched at even bumps.

In addition, she was selfishly worried about getting bigger. It would draw unnecessary attention to her. While she wasn't insecure, that didn't mean she liked getting bigger by the day.

"No. Never," she gathered her thoughts, preparing to say more.

"Then what's the issue," Zach didn't get it.

"Nothing," She should be able to tell her husband, but she didn't want it to get awkward.

Zach was struggling. He thought he was piecing it together, but didn't want to say something completely unrelated to what she was feeling.

Silence settled again.

"I love you," Zach treaded lightly. His hand caressing her face, moving stray hairs.

"And I'll still love you when you have grey hair and when you go bald-"

Cammie giggled.

"Or when we are using walkers and hitting terrorists over the head with our canes. No matter how pregnant you are I'm still going to love you Gallagher Girl.

I know everyone is going to want to touch and stare when your as big as a watermelon. But I'll break their hands if they feel to much and their necks if they look to long."

"Zach," she exclaimed through laughter. Feeling more assured already, "thank you." Cammie rested her hand over his. "There not that bad."

"What?" 

She chuckled again, "your hands."

"My hand are gorgeous," She felt his smirk, "And," He trailed his fingers down her side to her bare thigh, "they do great things."

He moved her leg over his hip. There lips meeting halfway. Nothing more needed to be said tonight. That conversation could wait for the morning.


End file.
